Navigating Grief

Grief is the pain of loss: Losses can occur in multiple ways and can feel nearly overwhelming. We all know what it is like to lose something. We all know the ache of being at odds with our own lives. We all know vulnerability. We all know loss. Some losses are of people: family, lovers, friends, neighbors. But losses can be other important things too: loss of connection, certainty, predictability, blissful ignorance, or normalcy. Some losses are for a certain amount of time, some are gone forever. Each person’s grief is personal, true, and incomparable to another’s. There is no ranking of loss, just what it means to each of us to go without, to miss, be separated, be disappointed, and to feel alone and bereft. 

Grief has to be, because we love: Grief is normal. We grieve the loss of what we care about. If you are hoping to avoid grief, then you’d have to avoid love. Noting this connection can help soften the sting of these hard feelings. In this way, grief is something of value and is worth protecting. Hence, many cultures and societies have long ritualized the mourning period. Ritual reminds us that we have lost what we love and points us to the comfort of community, honor, and meaning. 

Grief is how loss heals: Grief is necessary. Grief is a powerful, painful, and deep experience of how we deal with loss. Understanding what you’re feeling is itself therapeutic, even though it means sitting with the discomfort and pain we all inevitably feel. There is no right way to grieve, there is just the process that each of us must go through to integrate our losses into our lives. Grief is the human process of metabolizing and accommodating loss. 

There are a few things to know about grief: 

First, grief is an amalgam of emotions. Grief can feel like impossible sadness, but it can also be expressed as anger, numbness, or discombobulation. Even odd giddiness can be grief “talking.” Grief rarely presents itself as any single emotion for very long. 

Second, grief is dynamic. That means that grief comes and it also goes. It’s important to note that whatever you are feeling will not last forever in the same way or at the same intensity. Furthermore, a hallmark of emotion is that it cannot be easily controlled. We’ve met many mourners ashamed of unwanted feelings (guilt, anger, relief, indifference), even though such feelings are normal. Our advice is to ride grief’s waves rather than try to command them. It can be helpful to cultivate positive states during this time as well. 

Third, there is no particular timing to grief. In fact, grief can begin even in anticipation of loss (anticipatory grief), or it might be delayed for some time. When taking into account how grief shifts shape over time, it is important to recognize that we are never “done” with it, just as we are not done with whomever or whatever we have lost. 

Even so, grief can trip into depression. We tend to distinguish the two based on severity and time since the loss was incurred. We strongly recommend you seek professional counseling if you simply want help or are struggling for long periods of time. There is nothing pathological about wanting help, and therapy—whether individual or group sessions, online or from six feet away—can be helpful along the way. 

Finally, even the words of a great poet pale in the profound pain and the fundamental diminishment of our losses. But, perhaps, simple words can offer some small solace in our new lives.